I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
