eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
