Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
