I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
