At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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