we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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