He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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