that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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