Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
high people should be assigned attendants
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
