$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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