i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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