I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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