I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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