If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
