I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
