i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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