I looked at my own cervix.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
