Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
