So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
