She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
