just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
