i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
