Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ttyl tear gas
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
