...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
