I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
