My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
