Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
