He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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