Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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