Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
