I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
