My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
