1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
