what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
