All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
