Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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