We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
