I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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