You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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