my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
