went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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