my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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