Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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