you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Your penis caused this!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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