Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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