I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
