My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
