my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I will be naked everywhere
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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