Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
