I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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