Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
