Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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