Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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