When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
