i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
