I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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