I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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