So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
